None of the above

Want another great reason to be in China? The US midterm election is coming! Unfortunately the information superhighway runs through Shanghai, so (except for the counter-revolutionary BBC) I can indulge in political news, polls and information. About the same time you’re headed for bed, I’m already reading the early edition and bemoaning the putrid state of American political discourse.

As much satisfaction as I’d derive by seeing the Republicans have their asses handed to them because of, ummm, let’s see: 1) THIS FUCKING DISASTEROUS WAR, 2) the largest expansion in the size of government since LBJ’s Great Society, 3) K Street sleaziness, 4) Brownie’s heckuva job, and 5) their soulless, cynical manipulations of almost every cultural “wedge” issue – I’m holding off on my usual pointless partisan agitating.

That’s because I’ve discovered a new career: Conservative Pundit!

You might ask, “Isn’t political punditry an intellectual cesspool, the sole domain of idiots whose only qualifications are equal levels of conviction and ignorance?” Yes! But it’s also EASY, and I have a system that’s just so crazy it just might work!

I’ll just take the various speeches and anthems devoted to another Dear Leader and find/replace with President Bush! (Also, I’ll swap out “socialism” with “capitalism” and “Ju-che” (rough translation: “self reliance”) with “Jenna” (rough translation: “drunken Presidential spawn.”)

From Paek-du mountains, 1000km long beautiful realm
All look up to the President and cheer him.
He is the people's leader to inherit the great work of the Sun.
Long live, long live President George W. Bush !

Millions of flowers on the earth tell us his love.
Blue waves of the ocean sing of his work.
He is the creator of happiness to grow the garden of Jenna.
Long live, long live, President George W. Bush !

He protects capitalism with his courage like steel.
He makes our country famous in the world.
He is the defender of justice with a flag of autonomy.
Long live, long live, President George W. Bush !

Pretty awesome, right? I think I got the tone and level of sycophancy perfect. I don't mean to threaten, but if you don't like it -- the TERRORISTS WIN!

Someone send Roger Ailes my resume. Maybe I can have the slot on Fox News after the screaming moron and before the self-righteous asshole.