Hello, my name is...

It’s been several weeks now, but I have a new name. I’m 柯翱. It’s pronounced “ke1 ao4.” Apparently it’s supposed to sound like “Karl” – but I think that’s stretching it.

During my first week in Shanghai the office manager Jenny told me I should select a Chinese name for my business cards as well as a couple of permit documents. Since my Chinese naming skills are somewhat rudimentary, I told the administrative assistants to select a name for me.

After hours of heated discussions in Chinese, they came back to me with: 柯翱.

“Okay. What does it mean?”

More heated discussion in Chinese.

Apparently the first character is a fairly typical surname (Chinese names start with the surname.) The given name was a bit more difficult to explain in English, so Jenny wrote down the meaning for me:

“Feral Bird.”

I guess when you’ve lived your life with the last name “Cluck” – anything is considered an improvement. But given the opportunity to select a new name, I thought I might try for something a bit more aspirational. Also, for me, the poultry thing was totally played out.

“That doesn’t sound very inspiring.”

“It’s a very good name,” Jenny defended. All the office ladies nodded in agreement.

I asked them to look it up in the dictionary and show it to me. I thought something might be getting lost in translation.

Jenny showed me in the dictionary: “To take wing, soar.” Oh, now that’s more like it. It’s still vaguely a bird reference, but soaring is better than clucking.

For awhile it seemed a pivotal life moment, an alternate identity, a fresh start. I was soaring, majestic, fantastic 柯翱 – my new name.

Predictably, soaring is followed by crashing. A few days later I showed my new name to my Chinese teacher. She smiled in amusement and remarked curtly, “This is a name only a foreigner would have.”

It's still better than either of Gwyneth Paltrow's stupid kids.