The sound of no hands clapping

I’m back in Guangzhou for meetings. Always with the meetings. The wheels of commerce turn forever forward.

It’s one of the most tired travelogue set pieces – a foreigner finds himself at an outrageous banquet and is corralled into doing something ridiculous and wacky on stage.

Last night I went to my colleague’s outrageous going-away banquet and was corralled into doing something ridiculous and wacky on stage.

Life imitates hoary clichés …starring me!

For this farewell fete the office staff organized a 4-hour extravaganza comprised of a fourteen course dinner, heart-felt speeches, harmonica performances, singing competitions and a prize segment I’ll call “Whitey sings your Cantonese pop favorites.”

The contest worked like this. I stood up in front of the 200 or so dinner guests on a stage wearing headphones and holding a microphone. The DJ would play a Cantonese pop ballad on the headphones. I was then meant to sing it to the audience. The first table to guess what I was trying to sing won points. The team with the most points won a prize. It wasn't meant to be complicated.

Originally my boss was designated to be the star in this feature, but when the DJ came to him he simply pointed at me and said, “You’re up mate!” Luckily I have few problems with making a spectacle of myself especially when I’ve been given implicit permission to do so. I bounced up on stage and put on the headset.

I screamed into the microphone, “Hello GuangZHOUUUU! Are you ready to ROCK!?!” By their total silence I assumed everyone was sufficiently ready to rock.

The DJ then played a pop song on my headphones. In typical Canto-Pop style the performer sang in shrill high-pitched tones only audible to certain non-human mammals. At first I tried to imitate the singer, actually singing what I thought were words. I think it sounded like I was trying to give a speech in Dolphin.

No guesses. Silence.

Then I just sang the words to other songs for comic effect. “Yes, I’m proud to be an Americaaaannnn, where at least I know I’m FREEEEEE….”

No one got the humor. Silence.

Then I just started humming along to the song. This was the way to go. Everyone started screaming and raising their hands. A woman guessed correctly on the first try. People applauded. I was saved.

I had to perform five more songs. I kept with the humming technique.