Herbal House

After my meeting today I had some time to kill in Guangzhou.

There was a small teahouse in the lobby of my client’s building called “Herbal House” with a suspiciously Starbucks-style logo. I went in and ordered an iced coffee.

The kid behind the counter asked me: “Do you want your iced coffee with ice or with no ice?”

“Eh …with ice. Thanks.”

I try never to make fun of the language gaps because anyone who can memorize thousands of these indecipherable Chinese characters must be some kind of genius. Conversely, to most of the locals, I’m just some idiot American flapping his hands.

I was halfway through the iced coffee when the proprietor of Herbal House stopped by my table. He was a lanky middle-aged guy dressed in a shiny double-breasted suit with a pocket square and white leather shoes.

“Hello! You look like actor Kurt Russell! HAHAHAHA! Did anyone ever say you look like actor Kurt Russell? HAHAHAHA!” His laugh had a perfect staccato cadence. Something like a Batman villain.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Smile and nod and smile and nod.

He handed me a take-away menu from his tea house. “Please take with you. We have special tea for executive like you.”

Smile and nod and smile and nod.

The menu was quite cool, beautifully designed and illustrated. The teas were divided into three categories: “Tea for Men,” “Tea for Executive,” and “Tea for Ladies.” The “Tea for Ladies” section was also subtitled: “Ladies are like flowers; flowers care for ladies faces.”

The menu suggested teas for various ailments and offered detailed descriptions of their particular palliative qualities. The text had a poetic feel that ranged from the frightening:

“The business men are busy for social intercourses everyday, and easy to be drunk, vomiting, alcohol-cause headache. Their livers are damaged.”

To the incomprehensible:

"Acrid, cool. It enters the lung and liver channels. It dissipate wind heat. Clears brain. The heart is the master of the whole body, king of organs and skeletons.”

To the perceptive:

“The busyness and tension in modern life make people, especially white-collars, insomnia, mind fatigue, as well as poor memory. It is called losing nourishment of heart and spirit.”

To the oddly affecting:

“Mimosa tree flower: sweet, neutral in property. It transforms dampness, improves appetite, opens orifices, sweeps phlegm, wakes spirit and sharpens the wisdom, calms fetus.”

Finally, on the back page of the menu it read, “You will be nourished and rejuvenated in Herbal House, and experience the essence of nature. You will live a gorgeous life.”

I didn’t know whether to burst out laughing or cry from the utter profundity of it all.

Instead I just ordered another iced coffee. With ice.